Friday, January 30, 2009
Now, what you need to know is normally I'm the one to say "Have a good day!" or "It's going to be a great day!" (yes, I use exclamation points in my speech as much as I use them in my written word) but lately with the teething, the lack of sleep, the fussiness, the lack of enthusiasm for work I've just lost my optimism. Good friends used to despise and love my optimism all at the same time. I'm pretty sure Nick has, too. So, to lose it was kind of a big thing. And I didn't even see it.
In the last 2 weeks, songs have been playing on the radio that make me well up. They hit close to home. I've come across written things that talk about forgiveness and how to calm the negative in your mind. I'm not the religious type but it said that in order to calm the negativity in your head, you have to learn to forgive and hope (they said pray) for those that feed your negative energy. So, I started. Anytime a negative thought came up, or a negative feeling (pit in your stomach kind of thing) I would take a moment, pause and hope that those that I've hurt would find it in their heart to not hurt anymore. That they would forgive. Not for my sake, but so there would be no negative feelings. (wanna send me to the looney bin yet?). I wish the best for each person, in all they do, no matter what right or wrong they've done.
And, one person did forgive. I'm overjoyed and amazed all at once. I missed the friendship.
I've also been reading sleep training books. And I think we've gotten a break from teething. Jenna's been well rested, happy and sleeping much better this week. She does have to go down at 6 pm for this to be accomplished, but her being so cheery makes it well worth it. I've been happier and the week has been good. Really, really good.
After my last post, I've received an overwhelming response. I've had offers for babysitting (Thanks Em!) and friends that have set up multiple GNO's and the like. In fact, I'm going out tonight! Wahoo! And, Nick's going out for a guys night tomorrow night. I'm excited for him. I'm a firm believer in 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and with him being gone for a few hours I'm looking forward to his return already.
I'm in a better place. Things are looking good. The clouds have parted, the sun is shining (literally!) and my optimism is back. In fact, I'm drunk with optimism. Anyone else care to join me?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
And, lately, I've noticed that I have little conversations about stuff other than Jenna. I *hate* that (I don't use the word hate frequently). I've fallen into the "just a Mom" trap. And now, I think I know why. Going back to work was initially a very good thing. I still think it's good, but the difficult part is that I see how little time I really get to spend with Jenna and I try to maximize EVERY MINUTE we spend together playing with her. Being with her. Because of the teething/sleep issues that have been going on for the last 6+ weeks, I've hunkered down. My initial goals are funny to me now, and I need to reinstate them. The goal, in the beginning was to have Nick get a night out without us (Jenna and I), me to get a night out without them (GNO!) and Nick and I to get a date night every month. To say we've failed is an understatement.
I just keep going. It's the same routine. Up, get ready, feed, put her back down, go to work, feed her at lunch, back to work, pick her up, go home, play with her for a little bit, prep for the next day, put her down and CRASH. Repeat, over and over and over. Me leaving her at home for a grocery shopping trip this past weekend was tough. I didn't want to leave her. I *never* thought I'd feel guilty for leaving her to go to the grocery store. I promised myself I wouldn't get that way. But, I have. I need to get over me wanting to be with her every minute she's not in day care. Mommy guilt is a bitch. Seriously. I work because I need to. I'd love to work part time. I used to think work would fulfill me enough to use it as my "me" time. But it's not. It's not fair to me, or to Nick, or to Jenna to not take some time for myself.
I was better at managing all this when I was on maternity leave. I went to Mommy and Me groups and was able to leave her because I felt like I was getting adequate time with her. Well, honestly, I *was* getting enough time with her. Those groups saved me from falling into this patch before. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again, anyone reading that's pregnant, TTC or has a newborn *join a group!* Now, I'm doing the best I can. But I need time for me. And, thanks to the podcast, I'm taking it.
So far, I've put in a call to get my hair cut. I'm getting the Mommy cut. Ideally, something that *won't* fit into a pony, because that's my cop out. I want to be styled again. I want to be forced to wake up and do my hair (thanks, Flylady). I just dug through the back of my closet. I pulled out all my pre pregnancy pants that I haven't worn in about a year and a half. My *skinny* pants. I'm wearing a pair right now and just not wearing baggy clothing has helped me tremendously. I'm back at my ideal weight and I need to dress accordingly, not hide the skin left over on the belly.
I'm also going to go out to a GNO this Friday night (I was on the fence up until now). I'll be kicking Nick out of the house shortly, too. Also, we'll get a date night on the books. I know we have something scheduled for V-day (my parents will be in town to watch her) but I think we need something before that.
::sigh:: big changes ahead. But, necessary changes.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Holy cow! You're 7 months old! You're officially closer to 1 year than your birthday. Time continues to fly by. You amaze me daily. You make me giddy daily. And, there are those days that you frustrate me. Luckily, those are fewer than the 'amazing' and the 'giddy' days. I'm in awe. You're growing by leaps and bounds. The last month has presented us with the challenges of teething. You poor thing. Your first tooth popped through the day after Christmas, and, in the last week you've cut 3 more. You've also learned to bite, but I won't go into those details in this kind and gentle letter to you. Though, I did want to mention it, should I need leverage during a "discussion" when you're a teenager.
You had your very first Christmas! Santa was good to you and brought you this musical table. Your favorite part of the table is the trombone and you shake your little tush whenever you move that slider. Santa must have known that you'd be standing before Mom and Dad because he had those elves of his put the legs on the table so you could stand at it. We (Mom and Dad) couldn't figure out how to take the legs off, those elves must be paid pretty well, their work is good, too good for us to figure it out. In any case, you're now standing at this table and it keeps you entertained for a long time.
You're now *loving* your baths. You have a grand old time. Go figure, all it took was us taking you out of the kitchen sink and putting you in the tub. Oh, and giving you toys. That was a big factor. Here's an obligatory "baby in the bath" shot. How stinkin cute are you!?
Here's your official 7 month picture... you're about to take down Coach. The bunny doesn't interest you at all.
You're beautiful. I know I'm biased, but you're so stinkin cute. People that haven't met Dad tell me you look just like me. I don't see it. At all. I honestly don't see my face or your Dad's face in you at all. I see a little of Nanny and a little of Grandma, but that's about it.
You continue to amaze us. I think I've said that in every single letter I've written you, but it's so true. Each day I can't believe how quickly time has passed, how big you're getting, the fact that you're hitting various milestones and are just growing up. The thought of you walking scares and excites me. You're right on the verge of crawling (though you can motor around, for the most part) and it's just amazing to me that a year ago I found out you were a girl and just started to feel you move.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Holding Grayson, I had flash backs. It's hard to imagine her being that small again. The memories are bittersweet as it was one of the most difficult times I've ever been through. I know that sounds rather dramatic, but when you're right in the middle of it, it's hard. The crying, the hot flashes when the crying begins, trying to figure out supply and latch, bearing through the latch because you know it's going to hurt, trying to unlatch only to relatch because it's wrong... it's all one big guessing game. Up until she started smiling I had little to know what I was doing was right and good for her. I had an oversupply so I was feeding her too much, then, once I backed off on feeding her I always second guessed whether she was really done, or if she just needed to pacify. It was challenging.
Now that we're in the 'throws' of teething, it's hard. It's still hard, but in a different way. I've seen my happy, well rested baby. I've seen her smile and giggle and to see her go from crying to laughing to crying and screaming and it's challenging. I've come to the conclusion that motherhood (and parenthood for that matter) is nothing but a series of guesses. You guess what to do next, whether it's right to sleep train (for them AND for you), when to feed, when not to feed, when to introduce solids, when to ramp up solids, etc. It's a challenge. But, watching her feed yesterday, it's all worth it. All I need is to see her snuggle up and be content if only for a few moments to know that I'm doing all that I can for her. Our series of guesses has gotten us this far, she's thriving, she's doing well. Her teeth are coming through (visual evidence below) and she's a happy child.
I'm currently listening to the inauguration of the 44th president of the United States. The change that we as a country have finally accepted makes my heart go flutter. And I feel cheesy stating the obvious, but I'm going to do it anyway: I have high hopes for my daughter. I have high hopes for her future. It's difficult with the country going through a recession, but knowing and trying to envision all that is out there for her gives me hope. I'm so excited to watch her grow up with the obstacles in front of her, knowing the series of guesses I will continue to make, no doubtedly for the rest of her life (or, at least until she's a teenager) will be so she can live the best life possible. The impact is tremendous and after seeing the change that has taken place in 7 months (ok, one day shy of 7 months) is amazing.
1 day shy of 7 months.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
On another note, I finally got to meet Echloe after writing back and forth for what seems like eons. We met up at my favorite LYS and each picked out some yarn for a new project. She's going to knit a gorgeous baby blanket for the baby she keeps referring to as a 'he' :p and I picked up some yarn to knit Jenna a sweater since she's going to outgrow the one I knit for her while I was pregnant any minute now. (sniff!)
My knitting obsession is back in full bloom after someone introduced me to Ravelry. This website is amazing and has already taught me so much! (provisional cast on, how to cable without a cabling needle and how to weave in ends while you work) Very exciting stuff. Plus, it allows me to see how others used the same yarn I have *just sitting there* in my stash, so hopefully I can make room for more fun projects.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
As I've noted, Jenna's been fussy. The top tooth is coming in s l o w l y as it's half way through (took about a week to get from barely pointing through to half way through). She hasn't been sleeping well since Christmas, and, the two weeks before Christmas she was ill twice. So, roughly six weeks worth of poor sleep has really worn on all 3 of us. But, I feel like we're on the mend. YAY! We're currently reducing the night time feedings down to what they *used* to be at 1-2 per night. I think with the illness/travel/teething/chaos she just got used to being held and comforted at night and her sleeping habits took a nosedive.
The other reason I've been missing. I've decided I spend way too much time on my computer at work to come home and spend some more time starring at a screen. So, I'm limiting my computer use at home. That, and, I've started back on FlyLady and my house is slowly but surely getting back into shape. This month is all about reestablishing my daily habits (little more than that) of unloading the dishwasher in the morning, starting a load of laundry, making the bed and swishing and swiping my bathrooms. If I have time for my other 'task' for the day, so be it. If I choose to knit instead, that's ok too.
Jenna's been making leaps and bounds in terms of developmental milestones. One of the reasons I started this blog was to actually *remember* to write these down, and now I feel like I've already missed so much to document. But, as of right now, she can currently roll (both ways! Finally!) scoot around on her belly (360 degrees) sort of crawls backwards and now she's doing the sitting -> 3 point 'stance' rocking as though she's going to crawl. Nick predicts she's going to be crawling by her 7 month birthday (in 8 short days). Most of these little milestones happened over the weekend, but they're all very exciting, none-the-less. Oh! And she's standing... we got her a musical table (still haven't posted on Christmas, due to not uploading pictures) and originally Santa put the legs on the table only to realize that when the box says "removable legs" they only mean that if you don't put the legs on first... meaning, the 'table top' can be used on the floor and then the legs can be ADDED. Once they're on, they don't come off. Nick and Poppie both tried very hard to get them off and they just don't. Well, Christmas morning, it seems as though it would be forever for her to stand and use the table.. so we just kind of held her up to it. Now, she stands at the table, hits at the different 'stuff' and dances to the music. The trombone is her favorite :) (note to self! Must get video!)
8 days shy of 7 months...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Not last night, but the night before, she was up every half hour... meaning, as soon as I'd get a chance to just drift off, she'd be up again. I was so out of it the only way I knew it'd only been 20 minutes since I was last in her room was by looking at the clock. My body was desperately trying to catch up on sleep and it just wasn't happening.
When I would go to her, I'd try to feed her and she wasn't having any of it. She just wanted to be held. So hold I did. So did Nick. We were both frazzled yesterday and luckily Nick snapped me out of it saying "We have to enjoy the good and the bad. She's a blessing and we need to understand that and enjoy it" Thank you Nick.
Last night was much better. We went to bed shortly after 9 and she woke to feed at 12:30 and 3:30. (I dream fed her at 6:30 as usual). Thank you Jenna for letting us catch up. She's been resisting the bottle at day care and I'm thinking that's the reason she's now requiring more feedings at night. Either way... it's gotten a bit more difficult these last few weeks and I hope things level out soon..
Sunday we had chicken with fresh tomatillo salsa and queso fresco over brown rice and a spinach salad (left overs for Tuesday's lunch)
Monday we had Flank steak (marinated in red wine, soy sauce, garlic, ginger and some brown sugar) over horseradish mashed potatoes (skins on) and a salad. For lunch I had tomato soup.
Tonight I'm taking the left over 'steak' and making a steak salad.
Tomorrow night I'm going to the grocery store (this week is 'off') and so I'll likely pick up a 'cheater chicken' (rotisserie chicken) and have that with quinoa and a salad.
Thursday night will be chicken enchaladas using the left over cheater chicken.
Friday night we'll have sausage and lentils and a salad or tomato soup and grilled cheese... hmmm
This weekend we're traveling.