Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I've slipped...

Not in the literal sense. Thanks to Alison, for posting a link to pregtastic, that doesn't apply just to pregnant women, but also to Mom's. I've written time and time again about how important it was for me to continue to be me, not "just a Mom". I think a series of events coupled with me working has resulted in me falling out of touch with who I really am.

And, lately, I've noticed that I have little conversations about stuff other than Jenna. I *hate* that (I don't use the word hate frequently). I've fallen into the "just a Mom" trap. And now, I think I know why. Going back to work was initially a very good thing. I still think it's good, but the difficult part is that I see how little time I really get to spend with Jenna and I try to maximize EVERY MINUTE we spend together playing with her. Being with her. Because of the teething/sleep issues that have been going on for the last 6+ weeks, I've hunkered down. My initial goals are funny to me now, and I need to reinstate them. The goal, in the beginning was to have Nick get a night out without us (Jenna and I), me to get a night out without them (GNO!) and Nick and I to get a date night every month. To say we've failed is an understatement.

I just keep going. It's the same routine. Up, get ready, feed, put her back down, go to work, feed her at lunch, back to work, pick her up, go home, play with her for a little bit, prep for the next day, put her down and CRASH. Repeat, over and over and over. Me leaving her at home for a grocery shopping trip this past weekend was tough. I didn't want to leave her. I *never* thought I'd feel guilty for leaving her to go to the grocery store. I promised myself I wouldn't get that way. But, I have. I need to get over me wanting to be with her every minute she's not in day care. Mommy guilt is a bitch. Seriously. I work because I need to. I'd love to work part time. I used to think work would fulfill me enough to use it as my "me" time. But it's not. It's not fair to me, or to Nick, or to Jenna to not take some time for myself.

I was better at managing all this when I was on maternity leave. I went to Mommy and Me groups and was able to leave her because I felt like I was getting adequate time with her. Well, honestly, I *was* getting enough time with her. Those groups saved me from falling into this patch before. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again, anyone reading that's pregnant, TTC or has a newborn *join a group!* Now, I'm doing the best I can. But I need time for me. And, thanks to the podcast, I'm taking it.

So far, I've put in a call to get my hair cut. I'm getting the Mommy cut. Ideally, something that *won't* fit into a pony, because that's my cop out. I want to be styled again. I want to be forced to wake up and do my hair (thanks, Flylady). I just dug through the back of my closet. I pulled out all my pre pregnancy pants that I haven't worn in about a year and a half. My *skinny* pants. I'm wearing a pair right now and just not wearing baggy clothing has helped me tremendously. I'm back at my ideal weight and I need to dress accordingly, not hide the skin left over on the belly.

I'm also going to go out to a GNO this Friday night (I was on the fence up until now). I'll be kicking Nick out of the house shortly, too. Also, we'll get a date night on the books. I know we have something scheduled for V-day (my parents will be in town to watch her) but I think we need something before that.

::sigh:: big changes ahead. But, necessary changes.

7m, 6d


Sophie said...

I almost teared up reading this! You inspired me to go put on my skinny jeans.

Anonymous said...

I feel you. I've only been away from Dane when I had surgery and when my Dad had surgery...and he's 6 months old.

And I had to cancel my haircut due to lack of babysitting. ::sob::

I need a GNO...or something!!

Alison 'n Brandyn said...

Janessa... THIS is why I like you so much. Not because your perfect... or "life" has worked out every which way you planned... but because no matter how much we plan... its DOESN'T always work that way (a very important lesson to remember). AND... its important for us to be reflective on these things... to remember how we had things planned out... to take a look at where we ended up... and come to a realistic happy medium. GOOD FOR YOU! I support you in your goals... and hope that I can "help" you meet them!! Stay tuned for an e-mail from me about a pedicure!! ;)