This has been my life for the last few weeks

I ended up being hospitalized for some awesomely fun issues. Since then, my diet has been restricted, I've been on a multitude of medications and I've managed to keep breastfeeding. I don't ever want to forget this episode and hopefully it will lead to a diagnosis shortly. Being separated from my family if for only 30 hours was one of the toughest things I've ever done.

Photo a day project. Day 1.

So I stumbled on Kristin Cook's website about 6 months ago. I fell in love with not only her photos and her style, but her photo a day project for a month of her loved ones. I really liked the idea, the black and white photos and hoped to recreate it with my family. Instead of starting off the new year with a photo a day, I decided to do it for June. June is a special month in our household as both Jenna and I have birthday's in June, as does Nanny, and Dad gets his special day with Father's Day, too. Plus, the fact that the sun doesn't set until ~ 8:30pm or so allows for plenty of light for the photos :)

I planned on doing this a couple of months ago, and I was so excited but nervous as to the time constraints with work and life in general. Well, life had a different plan for me. I was laid off just over a week ago. It was a complete surprise, and I wasn't prepared at all (more on that later). Last week I spent a couple of days feeling sorry for myself, being angry, hurt, sad again and then I put a plan into action. 1) I vamped up my resume.... it's lean and mean and I think adequately shows my talents and skills along with where I want to go with my career. 2) I pulled out all my suits. A couple were recently given to me *yay!) and were in much better shape than my old suit. My other suit was out of date and didn't fit all that well. Luckily these other suits fit great, the pants only needed to be extended a bit. I took my shoes in to be re-soled and I applied, applied, applied to a number of different jobs.

I know in the end this will be a VERY good thing for me, for my family, for my life in general. It was difficult initially, and I know it will continue to be difficult until my first day at my new job but I'm actually at a point where I'm super happy for this 'down time' with my little family.

So, I obviously have less time constraints in terms of this photo a day project, and I'm so, so excited to take it on. And, of course, today, I couldn't help but post two photos.

The first is Nick and Jenna pointing out the windows and doors on the newly constructed sand castle. This was taken at 3:45 pm on Tuesday, June 1, 2010.

Jenna absolutely loves the sandbox we picked up for her at a garage sale. She loves it when WE construct a sand castle, and moments later she crushes it and before she's lifted her hands, she says "AGAIN!?" This photo was taken at 3:48pm today.

Today, I'm grateful

I didn't do a Thanksgiving post, I've been quite short on time lately. However, yesterday and today, I've had one thing on my mind... I'm so grateful for everything I have.

I'm so in love with my little girl... the smile that she's brought to my heart is indescribable. She makes my day so much better even when she's in the worst of moods. I can still stare at her little curls, her eyelashes, her baby blue eyes for hours. I still can't believe she's *ours* and we don't have to give her back. It still feels like a sleep over, like we're just 'playing house'.

I'm grateful for Nick. He's the best Dad and an even better husband. He helps out more than I do and is still able to take the time to tell me he loves me, or to tell me to sit down when I'm just too stressed out. He made the time so I could read the twilight series in peace, even though he thinks it's silly. He supports me at home, at work and is my rock. We've never been closer than we are as parents and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm happy to be an optimist. I'm happy to be me.

I'm grateful for my job. For working in an environment that encourages me and supports my creative desires and future. In turn, I do the same for them.

I'm so thankful for my family and friends. To have such a supportive network is indescribable. I'm so happy to have loving, kind, selfless people in our lives. To love and be loved is one of the best things out there... and I feel like I am loved from so many angles (home, work, life) I only hope that I'm able to love and support as thoroughly as others love and support me.

In Honor of Mother's Day

This weekend is Mother's Day. It's my first mother's day. I'm kind of in awe. So, in honor of this momentous occasion (to me) I'd like to list a few things I've learned thus far...



- I'm a good Mom. It's hard to admit that, but I've come to realize that I need to commend myself for making it through the last 10.5 months and doing the best I can. I have more respect than ever for all Mom's out there whether they're working or a SAHM.



-Never say never. I remember when I was pregnant I had all these ideas of the type of parent I was going to be. The fact that my child would STTN (sleep through the night for those that aren't in the know) by 4 months, that I would breastfeed until Jenna decided to stop, that I would be able to get out of the house perfectly coiffed each day. I imagined that I would be going on monthly date nights and having another night just for the girls. I had wild, crazy dreams. Then I became a Mom. Reality set in. Ask me where I am now? Gee, Jenna has only STTN a handful of times (and when she does, I've learned not to celebrate too loudly as it often jinxs the following night!) Jenna's still being nursed but won't take the bottle (well, she will, when Irma gives her a bottle, but no one else... we're working on Nick being able to feed her now) which cuts out date nights and GNO's.



- Motherhood is demanding. Duh, right? Well you just can't explain it to someone until they've been there. They've been in the trenches and understand it if you happen to take a shortcut or veer from the norm. An example: I don't have Jenna's convertible car seat in the center because it's too hard on my back to get her in and out of the center position. It hurts! I'm not following the 'safety guidelines' to put your child in the center position, but you know what? Jenna's safe. She's buckled safely in her car seat using the latch system (thank goodness! so much easier than using the shoulder belt! No more shifting!) But we had to make that decision. Follow the guidelines or do what works for our family? We're doing what works for our family.



- I still don't believe I'm a parent. I'm still coming around to the idea that I'm a Mom. But there are days that I look at Jenna, well up with tears and can't believe she's ours. We get to keep her. And when the 'P' word (parent) is used, I freak out a bit. I have parents. I grew up with parents being authority figures, adults, grown ups. They go to work and take care of their children. It's weird, I fit the role to a T and yet can't comprehend that I, in fact, am a parent.



- Time flies. I keep saying it over and over. This time has gone by so quickly. It's hard to try to grasp onto the memories as they fly by. I feel like I'm in one of those clear boxes with cash flying all around me and I can't grab any of it. Thankfully, I'm starting to figure out the balance of having the camera in my hand just enough to capture memories, but not so much that I lose out on the experience.

So, I started this post, before Mother's Day. Now I'll finish it from a different perspective.

I love being a Mother. I really, really do. It's a lot of work. I'm running from sun up (or before that) to sun down and then some. The best thing about my first mother's day was the note inside the card Nick got for me. It said something to the effect of "Thank you for all you do, it means a lot". I actually think it was more insightful and sweet than that, but it meant a lot to me. I think that's exactaly what I wanted out of Mother's Day. To be recognized for all that I do for the family. For Nick, for Jenna and for me. It's amazing what the last 11 months have done to me as a person. I'm so proud to be a mother. I'm so proud to be Jenna's mother and Nick's wife.

I also wanted to take a minute to thank all of those I've turned to since becoming a Mother. To all the Mom's out there (you know who you are!) Thank you. Thank you for supporting me, listening to me, helping me when I'm clueless and letting me help you when I've been through something you haven't. We're in this together, raising awesome children and I wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for being one of my very sturdy rocks.

What a week....

I sware, the planets have aligned, things have changed drastically in the last week. Things are GOOD. At the beginning of this week, Nick and I looked at each other on Monday morning and had a mini conversation. He said "It's going to be a good day, it's going to be a good week. I'm going to focus on the positive."

Now, what you need to know is normally I'm the one to say "Have a good day!" or "It's going to be a great day!" (yes, I use exclamation points in my speech as much as I use them in my written word) but lately with the teething, the lack of sleep, the fussiness, the lack of enthusiasm for work I've just lost my optimism. Good friends used to despise and love my optimism all at the same time. I'm pretty sure Nick has, too. So, to lose it was kind of a big thing. And I didn't even see it.

In the last 2 weeks, songs have been playing on the radio that make me well up. They hit close to home. I've come across written things that talk about forgiveness and how to calm the negative in your mind. I'm not the religious type but it said that in order to calm the negativity in your head, you have to learn to forgive and hope (they said pray) for those that feed your negative energy. So, I started. Anytime a negative thought came up, or a negative feeling (pit in your stomach kind of thing) I would take a moment, pause and hope that those that I've hurt would find it in their heart to not hurt anymore. That they would forgive. Not for my sake, but so there would be no negative feelings. (wanna send me to the looney bin yet?). I wish the best for each person, in all they do, no matter what right or wrong they've done.

And, one person did forgive. I'm overjoyed and amazed all at once. I missed the friendship.

I've also been reading sleep training books. And I think we've gotten a break from teething. Jenna's been well rested, happy and sleeping much better this week. She does have to go down at 6 pm for this to be accomplished, but her being so cheery makes it well worth it. I've been happier and the week has been good. Really, really good.

After my last post, I've received an overwhelming response. I've had offers for babysitting (Thanks Em!) and friends that have set up multiple GNO's and the like. In fact, I'm going out tonight! Wahoo! And, Nick's going out for a guys night tomorrow night. I'm excited for him. I'm a firm believer in 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and with him being gone for a few hours I'm looking forward to his return already.

I'm in a better place. Things are looking good. The clouds have parted, the sun is shining (literally!) and my optimism is back. In fact, I'm drunk with optimism. Anyone else care to join me?

I've slipped...

Not in the literal sense. Thanks to Alison, for posting a link to pregtastic, that doesn't apply just to pregnant women, but also to Mom's. I've written time and time again about how important it was for me to continue to be me, not "just a Mom". I think a series of events coupled with me working has resulted in me falling out of touch with who I really am.

And, lately, I've noticed that I have little conversations about stuff other than Jenna. I *hate* that (I don't use the word hate frequently). I've fallen into the "just a Mom" trap. And now, I think I know why. Going back to work was initially a very good thing. I still think it's good, but the difficult part is that I see how little time I really get to spend with Jenna and I try to maximize EVERY MINUTE we spend together playing with her. Being with her. Because of the teething/sleep issues that have been going on for the last 6+ weeks, I've hunkered down. My initial goals are funny to me now, and I need to reinstate them. The goal, in the beginning was to have Nick get a night out without us (Jenna and I), me to get a night out without them (GNO!) and Nick and I to get a date night every month. To say we've failed is an understatement.

I just keep going. It's the same routine. Up, get ready, feed, put her back down, go to work, feed her at lunch, back to work, pick her up, go home, play with her for a little bit, prep for the next day, put her down and CRASH. Repeat, over and over and over. Me leaving her at home for a grocery shopping trip this past weekend was tough. I didn't want to leave her. I *never* thought I'd feel guilty for leaving her to go to the grocery store. I promised myself I wouldn't get that way. But, I have. I need to get over me wanting to be with her every minute she's not in day care. Mommy guilt is a bitch. Seriously. I work because I need to. I'd love to work part time. I used to think work would fulfill me enough to use it as my "me" time. But it's not. It's not fair to me, or to Nick, or to Jenna to not take some time for myself.

I was better at managing all this when I was on maternity leave. I went to Mommy and Me groups and was able to leave her because I felt like I was getting adequate time with her. Well, honestly, I *was* getting enough time with her. Those groups saved me from falling into this patch before. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again, anyone reading that's pregnant, TTC or has a newborn *join a group!* Now, I'm doing the best I can. But I need time for me. And, thanks to the podcast, I'm taking it.

So far, I've put in a call to get my hair cut. I'm getting the Mommy cut. Ideally, something that *won't* fit into a pony, because that's my cop out. I want to be styled again. I want to be forced to wake up and do my hair (thanks, Flylady). I just dug through the back of my closet. I pulled out all my pre pregnancy pants that I haven't worn in about a year and a half. My *skinny* pants. I'm wearing a pair right now and just not wearing baggy clothing has helped me tremendously. I'm back at my ideal weight and I need to dress accordingly, not hide the skin left over on the belly.

I'm also going to go out to a GNO this Friday night (I was on the fence up until now). I'll be kicking Nick out of the house shortly, too. Also, we'll get a date night on the books. I know we have something scheduled for V-day (my parents will be in town to watch her) but I think we need something before that.

::sigh:: big changes ahead. But, necessary changes.

7m, 6d

Things I've Learned...

I often do a series of these posts as they come to me. Unfortunately, this one comes to me for negative reasons. I made a big mistake. If you know of it, great, if you don't, here's what I've taken from the situations. I hope to teach Jenna some of these lessons to ensure she doesn't hurt others.

- I've always said to live life with no regrets. Though I don't regret what happened, I regret the way it happened.

-If you know me, at all, you know I say "everything happens for a reason". I really believe that. This is why I don't regret the situation. Though it's hard to imagine right now, something good will come of this, even if it's only to remind me to teach Jenna to be a good person.

- My grandmother used to say "Pretty is as pretty does" Though I hated that phrase as a child, it means so much to me now. One of the things I'd like to instill in Jenna is a positive self image. I have and had so many friends with poor self esteem throughout my lifetime and if there is one thing besides happiness that I want to give to my daughter, it's a positive self image and outlook. The most beautiful people are the kind people, the ones that will bend over backward for others without any expectation for something in return. And, I can tell you, in this world, that's a rarity.

- Beware of your Gemini twin. I'm a Gemini. I have a twin, I know her well. She's my most emotional side. My "knock down, drag out balling and gasping for breath" emotional side. She went on hiatus during my pregnancy and came out as snark most often. She's essentially the devil that sits on my other shoulder. I can most often ignore her, but there are times she speaks. It's not meant as an excuse, it's how I see it. Since Jenna is a Gemini (something I wanted for her) on the Cancer cusp, she has the potential for the emotions getting the best of her and leading her down paths that will hurt people. Which leads me to another 'rule' of mine:

- When you're emotional, or have had an emotional week (last week was a doozy, this week isn't much better), please, please, please wait 24 hours before acting out anything. It's just not worth it.

- When you do something wrong, take responsibility. Own your mistakes. It's the only way to learn from them.

- Watch who you rally with as once you're lumped 'together' doesn't matter what kind of person you are, you'll be associated with the behaviors of others.

- Learn who your true friends are. Sometimes adversity teaches us (very quickly) who is willing to see past your mistakes and who isn't. We all screw up. We all make mistakes, some bigger than others. If your friend kicks you when you're down, they were never your friend at all. If they say "Dude, you went too far" but give you a hug because they know you need it, hold on to them forever as they'll be there for you through good times and bad. If they just say "I still love you" (as two did for me yesterday) Thank them for understanding and still being there for you.

No comments are allowed in this post. Should anyone have anything to say, please email me at the address to the right. And, please keep in mind that I'm having a tough time. If that doesn't matter to you, I'm sorry.

Things I've learned thus far...

So, I've been a Mom for only a short period of time. Though I've learned a lot! This post will be a series of rambling, as most of my posts often are ;)

- I've learned that it's virtually impossible to "sleep when the baby sleeps" as I can't fall asleep on command. 

- I often regret not taking naps.... but only in the wee hours of the night. 

- I've got a pretty terrific baby. In terms of health and temperament, and I should be more grateful during her fussy periods. 

- I've learned that I need to do something outside the house EVERYDAY! If I don't, I get moody, I self-criticize and I become grouchy. Sometimes all it takes is me going out to the backyard. 

- I'm scared to go out for too long or too far away for fear of needing to breast feed in public. I need to get over this. I'm also fearful of changing her diaper anywhere other than home. I know I'll get over this, too. I feel like such a rookie. 

- I've always admired other Moms and their interactions with their children. I never, ever thought I'd see it happen with me. Yesterday morning, Nick was holding Jenna and I started talking, she immediately careened her neck over to look at me, and she looked at me with such admiration. It's amazing. Another scenario: we went out for sushi (YAY!) and she started crying and fussing in her car seat. I took her outside and the minute I bent over to pick her up, she stopped crying. It's really amazing stuff. And it's happening to me. 

- I hate that Word thinks her name is a misspelling. I wish I would've checked that before she was born. Computers seem to think when we're typing her name it's just us misspelling "Henna". 

- A screaming baby in a car seat sucks when you're in the car alone. 

- Visitors are good if they keep their visits short, get a picture taken, meet her briefly. Guests are more difficult. I determine "Visitors" as those that come by for a short visit and "Guests" as those I have to figure out how to entertain and feed. Should food be brought to us, a "guest" turns into a "visitor" as no effort needs to be made on our part to entertain them. This changes my whole philosophy on visiting friends with babies, or anyone recovering from a surgery, grieving, etc. 

- I have a whole new perspective on purchasing for Baby Showers and for immediately Post Partum gifts. My pregnant friends will soon discover this (not in a bad way at all!) 

- I can love her and be so frusterated with her at the same time. And then she gives a "gas" smile and suddenly it's as though the last hour and a half of screaming was worth it. 

- I can survive on much less sleep than I ever thought. 

- I'm amazed how much more I love Nick. And how much his hugs mean to me when it's been a long day or night (or both!) 

- I missed wine just as much as I thought I did. Now I still don't drink much of it, but I savor every sip. 

- Breast feeding is just as hard as everyone says it is. But succeeding with it is more rewarding than I could ever imagine. I've been lucky and I am super grateful. 

- Hearing Nick's Dad ask me if "all the cuts and bruises are healing well" is not nearly as laughable and cringe-worthy as hearing his Grandmother tell me "So I hear you have good milk!" 

- I never thought I could get used to hearing myself be referred to as "Mom" but the minute she was here it felt so natural and wasn't awkward at all. 

That's it for now, more to come later.

2w, 6d old!