Sunday, September 30, 2007

Today, I'm calm.

I can't believe how my mood changes. I go 0 to frantic 'un-pregnant' woman in as little as 4 seconds flat. But today, today, I'm calm. If it happens, great, that's our goal. If it doesn't, ok, we've got time. Weird. I think what really has allowed me to calm down, at least for today, is that we got word about a puppy.

Now, let me tell you abou the puppy. My husband and I have been together for nine and a half years. That, my friends, is a long time. It's amazing to write that. I really look back on it as though we met and married yesterday. But that's not what this blog is about. When we first started dating, we would take his parents dog for a walk, every afternoon, for just under 2-ish years. In the beginning walks, we discussed marriage, children and, dogs. We laid out plans for our 'future life'. In fact, we still do that. I'm sure this is normal (at least that's what I tell myself), and I enjoy it. In any case, we discussed our dog breed choices. It's been the same for those 9.5 years: we wanted a great dane. We moved into a (rented) house, and made sure we could have dogs in this house, to allow us a small piece of our 'future life'. We wanted to turn it into our 'present life'.

Well, we got word. After about 6 months of searching, the breeder that we've chosen has sent us an email stating that the dog has come into heat, and they're waiting on her progesterone levels to come up signaling she's ovulating. When my husband told me this... I yelled "THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING!" It's actually pretty funny. I think the dog might have a better shot at getting pregnant before I do. And I'm ok with that. If all goes well, the pups will be born in between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and they won't be able to come home with us until 12 weeks. This is late for puppies, but I trust this breeder, and I know that it's the best thing for the puppy. I'm excited to go for walks with the dog, pregnant, and with child. (Obviously, I'm not going to walk the dog and the baby at the same time without my hubster with me).

In any case, calm, quiet, and collected. Life is coming together. We're living our 'future life'. I love my husband so dearly, and it's amazing to see so many things unfold. I know our life is going to change drastically, but I'm looking forward to it. I'm sure there are many people out there that wouldn't advise us getting a puppy within a year of us having a child, but this works for us. I can't wait, I'm so excited to add the 2 new additions to our family. Ah, THAT word, family, makes my heart flutter.

I'm off to enjoy my calm Sunday. At least while it lasts. :)

Friday, September 28, 2007

The highs and lows

There are highs and lows of ttc. On one hand, we're carefree, on the other hand, it's a lot of work. Ok, ok, I'm making it a lot of work. But that's my personality. That's how I operate. I throw myself towards anything I'm involved in. It can be reading, or knitting, or well, ttc.

So the Highs: Yay! We've made a big step! I can't wait to be a mommy, I can't wait to have a big pregnant belly, and pat it, and have my husband feel for movement, and prepare for the baby, for our family. Family, instead of just a relationship. It's weird, happy weird... not odd weird. I'm in love with all that that entails.

More Highs (that we're not expecting yet): I still love food! I can eat sushi and drink wine! I get to enjoy really bad for me food while watching football. I really don't eat all that poorly, but just the fact that I can eat poorly makes me happy.

The Lows: Wow, we didn't get pregnant on the 'oops' cycle, and the two cycles after that we weren't trying, but we had unprotected sex because we thought of trying (THAT, my friends, is another story, for another post). Then, our first official cycle TTC, we, um didn't "C". So, we're officially on cycle #2 TTC, and I'm nervous that maybe things won't work out. I've let this consume me. Every cycle I look at the future estimated delivery date, and I dream of that time of the year, and the baby's birth sign, and how and when I'll tell my family and friends. Then, when it doesn't work out, I look at the next cycle's positives. There's a lot of lows.

I tend to run hot and cold. Some days I can't wait to be pregnant, then, other days, I figure "eh, next cycle". It really, really messes with your head.

Yesterday, a co-worker said "Even on a cloudy day, the sun is shining above. There's always a silver lining." Holy crap. I'm a half empty kinda girl, but maybe this baby business has turned me into a pessimist?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

No one knows...

We haven't told anyone. No one. I don't keep secrets, I can't keep secrets. And, somehow, I'm holding this one, this secret. It's locked in our bedroom. I intentionally go out shopping and wander through the baby sections, armed with this line: "A friend of mine is having a baby! I can't wait!" (This line may be changed to "My co-worker is having a baby! I can't wait!" depending on the person I'm speaking to).

I actually like that we've got this secret. I enjoy keeping it between my husband and I. It also scares me whenever someone starts to talk about having children, and when we have ours, and our life goals. I'm afraid that when that stuff comes up, I look something like this:

I feel like everyone knows. But how silly is that? We've been parading through life telling everyone that "We aren't going to have kids until we own a home". Now, I don't know about you, but in Northern California, you better have at least $60,000 to own a home. And, although it's technically possible, it's more likely improbable for a young couple, in their late 20's to have $60k cash for a down payment without some form of monetary support from mommy and daddy dearest. Of which we don't have. That's fine with me, but what will they say when we actually conceive? I'm hoping that it will be pure excitement, shock and maybe one or more people will be tackled. Yes, that's what I'm hoping for. That, and maybe some tears. I'll cry, well, because I cry at the drop of a hat, but I hope others cry too.
Even still, this dream is a long ways away. The earliest we could tell anyone, would be November 10th. That is, of course, if we get pregnant this cycle. Yes, every cycle, I plan when I'd be able to tell both sets of parents, in person, at the same time. This. Is. Difficult. As both sets of parents live far, far away from each other. About a 12 hours drive. So, the weekend of November 10th, I truly hope that we can tell them. And, if not then, um, well I won't plan for that now.

Phantom Sypmtoms

Why, oh why, when you're trying to conceive (TTC), you notice all these little things going on with your body, but can't possibly be in relation to a pregnancy? I say that, because, I'm toward the end of my period, and yet, I'm bloated. It's not uncomfortable, but I've noticed it. There's no way I'm pregnant, because I haven't had sex this cycle.

This is only the beginning. As I get towards the end of my cycle, I really start to over analyze all symptoms as though they're pregnancy symptoms. TTC plays mean, evil tricks on you. How did I ever go through life cycle after cycle without noticing that I get boated a large number of days out of the month, that I get emotional and irrational, that I have small cramps all the time and that my bleeding gums only occur during my period? Maybe I just thought this stuff was normal day to day business, and that it just happens every now and then, but now that we're trying, I'm supposed to pay attention to all these little signs and symptoms in order to ensure I'm ovulating, or that my period is staying away.

This is going to be a long road ahead.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

My attempt at a blog

This is more like a little journal to myself, and my future baby. Yes, future baby. Currently, my husband and I are trying for a child. No one knows. No one, except, well my little online group of women that are also trying for babies. The nest baby. Thank goodness for the women there.

They fuel my obsession, answer my questions, curse out my period and cheer for baby steps toward pregnancy. It's a fantastic outlet, as I hope this will be. They know the nuances of my cycle, when I'm ovulating, what type of cervical fluid I have (yum) when I'm expecting the cursed Aunt Flo (AF) and when I take a pregnancy test. My husband doesn't have the insight to my cycle they do.

This has been an interesting experience thus far. We had a potential Oops! a few months ago, and we were relieved to finally have AF show up. But, before she showed, we both tried to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for parenthood, in case she didn't show. Then, the baby fever began. We had a few long talks, and we realized this is really great timing for us. We're still young, we've been married for over 2 years, and we're financially in a good place to take this on.

We weren't totally positive during the cycle after the potential oops, but started the cycle after that. Then, my body decided to rebel. Short, short cycle. 21 days! Yikes! So, now we're on cycle #2. It's really, really hard not to become obsessed. Normally, when I want something, I want it NOW, and, for the most part, I can achieve it now. This, no. This is not so easy. It's actually not easy to become pregnant. Who knew? Cycle #2, I'm in for a long road ahead. Average couples take about 6 months to become pregnant. Huh. I'm on #2. Keep those fingers crossed that we're the 'lucky' ones that become pregnant sooner!