I've been holding out

So, it's been months. MONTHS since I've updated the blog. The new job is great, and keeping me beyond busy. Which I love. I haven't written on the blog for another reason, however.

I tried to document it in photos, though.

What's that, Jenna? What are you holding? Trying to take away? Ohhhh.... it looks like one from about 2.5 years ago.
She did eventually warm up to the idea. Well at least long enough to let me take a photo while she was eating in her new shirt.
AND I became an Aunt! To a beautiful baby girl, Annika.
And we got an opportunity to see our little one shortly thereafter.
And the belly shots began. Shortly after I was LAID OFF. Pregnant, unemployed and job hunting.
As the belly grew, so did my need for maternity wear (still unemployed here)
And still job hunting (hence the time available to shoot belly photos)
My last unemployed photo. I accepted a job shortly after this image was taken. Thank goodness. It's a fab position with a great company, too. I'm really, really excited and enjoying it.
And shortly after accepting, we celebrated with a trip down to Disneyland.
:)
And my most recent photo. I've been at the job about 3 months now, I'm happy as can be, the pregnancy is treating me really, really well. I continue to forget I'm pregnant. The fact that we're expecting another GIRL in January really blows my mind. I'm excited, anxious and nervous about the whole thing, but it feels good to be completing our family.

I hope to do another update shortly regarding life, Jenna, the household craziness... and I'll get there. Hopefully before this one is born :D

Photo a day project. Day 1.

So I stumbled on Kristin Cook's website about 6 months ago. I fell in love with not only her photos and her style, but her photo a day project for a month of her loved ones. I really liked the idea, the black and white photos and hoped to recreate it with my family. Instead of starting off the new year with a photo a day, I decided to do it for June. June is a special month in our household as both Jenna and I have birthday's in June, as does Nanny, and Dad gets his special day with Father's Day, too. Plus, the fact that the sun doesn't set until ~ 8:30pm or so allows for plenty of light for the photos :)

I planned on doing this a couple of months ago, and I was so excited but nervous as to the time constraints with work and life in general. Well, life had a different plan for me. I was laid off just over a week ago. It was a complete surprise, and I wasn't prepared at all (more on that later). Last week I spent a couple of days feeling sorry for myself, being angry, hurt, sad again and then I put a plan into action. 1) I vamped up my resume.... it's lean and mean and I think adequately shows my talents and skills along with where I want to go with my career. 2) I pulled out all my suits. A couple were recently given to me *yay!) and were in much better shape than my old suit. My other suit was out of date and didn't fit all that well. Luckily these other suits fit great, the pants only needed to be extended a bit. I took my shoes in to be re-soled and I applied, applied, applied to a number of different jobs.

I know in the end this will be a VERY good thing for me, for my family, for my life in general. It was difficult initially, and I know it will continue to be difficult until my first day at my new job but I'm actually at a point where I'm super happy for this 'down time' with my little family.

So, I obviously have less time constraints in terms of this photo a day project, and I'm so, so excited to take it on. And, of course, today, I couldn't help but post two photos.

The first is Nick and Jenna pointing out the windows and doors on the newly constructed sand castle. This was taken at 3:45 pm on Tuesday, June 1, 2010.

Jenna absolutely loves the sandbox we picked up for her at a garage sale. She loves it when WE construct a sand castle, and moments later she crushes it and before she's lifted her hands, she says "AGAIN!?" This photo was taken at 3:48pm today.

I've slipped...

Not in the literal sense. Thanks to Alison, for posting a link to pregtastic, that doesn't apply just to pregnant women, but also to Mom's. I've written time and time again about how important it was for me to continue to be me, not "just a Mom". I think a series of events coupled with me working has resulted in me falling out of touch with who I really am.

And, lately, I've noticed that I have little conversations about stuff other than Jenna. I *hate* that (I don't use the word hate frequently). I've fallen into the "just a Mom" trap. And now, I think I know why. Going back to work was initially a very good thing. I still think it's good, but the difficult part is that I see how little time I really get to spend with Jenna and I try to maximize EVERY MINUTE we spend together playing with her. Being with her. Because of the teething/sleep issues that have been going on for the last 6+ weeks, I've hunkered down. My initial goals are funny to me now, and I need to reinstate them. The goal, in the beginning was to have Nick get a night out without us (Jenna and I), me to get a night out without them (GNO!) and Nick and I to get a date night every month. To say we've failed is an understatement.

I just keep going. It's the same routine. Up, get ready, feed, put her back down, go to work, feed her at lunch, back to work, pick her up, go home, play with her for a little bit, prep for the next day, put her down and CRASH. Repeat, over and over and over. Me leaving her at home for a grocery shopping trip this past weekend was tough. I didn't want to leave her. I *never* thought I'd feel guilty for leaving her to go to the grocery store. I promised myself I wouldn't get that way. But, I have. I need to get over me wanting to be with her every minute she's not in day care. Mommy guilt is a bitch. Seriously. I work because I need to. I'd love to work part time. I used to think work would fulfill me enough to use it as my "me" time. But it's not. It's not fair to me, or to Nick, or to Jenna to not take some time for myself.

I was better at managing all this when I was on maternity leave. I went to Mommy and Me groups and was able to leave her because I felt like I was getting adequate time with her. Well, honestly, I *was* getting enough time with her. Those groups saved me from falling into this patch before. I've said it before and I'll say it again and again, anyone reading that's pregnant, TTC or has a newborn *join a group!* Now, I'm doing the best I can. But I need time for me. And, thanks to the podcast, I'm taking it.

So far, I've put in a call to get my hair cut. I'm getting the Mommy cut. Ideally, something that *won't* fit into a pony, because that's my cop out. I want to be styled again. I want to be forced to wake up and do my hair (thanks, Flylady). I just dug through the back of my closet. I pulled out all my pre pregnancy pants that I haven't worn in about a year and a half. My *skinny* pants. I'm wearing a pair right now and just not wearing baggy clothing has helped me tremendously. I'm back at my ideal weight and I need to dress accordingly, not hide the skin left over on the belly.

I'm also going to go out to a GNO this Friday night (I was on the fence up until now). I'll be kicking Nick out of the house shortly, too. Also, we'll get a date night on the books. I know we have something scheduled for V-day (my parents will be in town to watch her) but I think we need something before that.

::sigh:: big changes ahead. But, necessary changes.

7m, 6d

Things I've learned...

I hope to keep this series up, but since this is only the second installment... well, we'll just see if I'm able to keep it up...



Things I've learned thus far about being a Working Mom.



- There will be days that I sleep past the alarm, have no recollection of the alarm going off and I am able to get ready to leave in 30 minutes including feeding, changing and giving J her medicine, putting makeup on, turn the dryer on (as to avoid wrinkled clothing) getting dressed, packing food for lunch and packing my pump parts. However, that 30 minutes doesn't include a shower (um, and I forgot the deodorant... but I have a spare at work). Today was one of those days.



- "Doing the best I can" is a lot of freakin work.



- Every minute of every day is scheduled. If you ask me what I'm doing at 6:20 am, it's changing J's diaper. At 8:30pm, I'm washing bottles and pump paraphernalia. 3:40 (my favorite) picking Jenna up from Day Care. 5:40 am until 10:15 pm is scheduled... (hell, even the night is scheduled with her wake ups...)



- I'm sick of using the word 'tired'. I don't think I'm really tired anymore as much as I'm just used to not being rested.



- I actually still enjoy the night time feedings. She's so beautiful and peaceful. It's so quiet and un-rushed (unlike the rest of my time).



- Nick is so supportive. Having a husband that's super supportive is *so* key. I don't know what I'd do without him.



- There is no such thing as a clean house. Unless, of course, you're able to hire a housekeeper, which we're not. But, my Mom comes to visit and while Jenna's napping she cleans for us. (I could never figure out how to make that work). Thanks to her, the house gets a deep scrubbing once a month.



- I'm dreading Jenna crawling just because I'll have to vacuum much more frequently. And baby-proof.



- A pony tail is a cop-out and one I use quite frequently.



- Wearing my glasses serves 4 functions: 1) um, I can see at a distance better 2) hides the dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep 3) If I don't have time to wear makeup, you can't tell as much with glasses on. 4) Any outfit automatically looks more professional when I put my glasses on.



- Decaf coffee doesn't wake me up, but it tastes good and aids in digestion. ;)



- I don't love work like I used to. My mind wanders easily, I get distracted with my ever growing to do list (work related) I can't focus on a single task. I'm still happy I'm working, but I'm wondering if the lack of focus is due to the lack of sleep or just a new "life". Work used to be my life... (there's an old blog post about it, but I can't find it... ) Now, work is merely a part of my life. It's a weird dynamic for a Type A, self proclaimed work-aholic...

3 days down!

So, I went back to work. It actually went a whole lot better than I thought it would!

The first day I took her to Irma's (day care) and as I was dropping her off, Sally and Landon were there, as was another Mom dropping off another one of the kids. I was a little overwhelmed, but that was probably a good thing and I didn't realize what happened until I got in the car to drive away. As I drove away, I started crying. Really, crying. I had just dropped my baby off with a stranger. Now, that sounds rather dramatic, but at that moment. I felt terrible. I was leaving my baby.

I cried the whole way to work. Once there, the only one in the office was Bernie. She has kids that are essentially my age. She asked me how I was doing and I started welling up again. She got chills and recounted dropping off her oldest at day care nearly 25 years ago. We had a short little cry together and I was able to get it together enough to start on my massive workload (gee, only 4 months of work waiting for me). As long as I kept myself busy, I was doing fine. I got to go feed her at lunch, which breaks the day up and allows me to reconnect.

After that first day, I've done really well. It feels good to get back to work. It's nice to know that she's being well cared for, as Irma is really fantastic and I'm able to get some "Janessa" time. It felt good to put on my 'career wear'. I'm proud at the end of the day to hear she had a good day, was full of smiles and enjoyed being among the other kids. It makes me appreciate the time after work that I get to see her, spend time with her. Seriously, it's the best time of the day, I look forward to it and it's SO fulfilling.

It's only been 3 days, but I know this is perfect for me, for us, for the family. However, that being said, I'm exhausted at the end of the day. My bedtime has been ~ 9:30 since going back to work and it keeps creeping up earlier and earlier. I'm trying to get everything together the night before so in the morning I can kind of breeze through and head out the door. It's worked thus far.

Though I'm still super tired, I look forward to the evening feedings as she's so beautiful just after a feeding, with a slight smile while sleeping in my arms. I want to take a picture, but that would really ruin it. Her face is half illuminated by the night light, her hand resting on my upper chest, her body snuggled against mine. It's amazing. That is the one thing I don't want to forget about this age. As tired as I am, I'm not ready to give up the night time feedings.

My work is much more scheduled. I have to plan my tasks around pumping at 9 and 2:30 and around my lunch with Jenna. I like it, I think I'll actually be more productive as I'll plan a task between the pumping and lunches. Starting next week, I've changed my schedule to allow me to get off work at 3:30. Nick's going to take her to day care (which I think will be good because he'll be able to interact with Irma, too) and I'll go straight to work, only a 1/2 hour for lunch, which I'll go to feed her and then off at 3:30. This will allow me to see her more than an hour and a half in the evenings.

I'm so pleased it's gone as well as it has. I have warm fuzzies. I'm right where I need to be.

I feel like tomorrow's the first day of school...

I've got my outfit picked out. I've picked out Jenna's outfit. I've packed up her diaper bag. I'm working on my pump bag. OMG, I'm gonna take my pump to work. I've fed her multiple times in my office, that's no big deal. It's as though she keeps my boob covered and I can just look down at her and just watch her. I love watching her nurse. But to pump, at work, that's a whole new story. I barely know how to handle the milk here at home, let alone fiddling with it at work. For whatever reason, I think of it as a bodily fluid (um, because it is, Janessa). I think of it like I thought of the urine samples during my prenatal appointments. I don't really want to touch it, let alone hand it off to someone else. And now... well, now I'll be storing it in my work refrigerator. Awesome. Luckily I work for a health care company, and I know they'll understand, but I can only imagine the comments I'll get this first week back.

Now, I'm going back to work. TOMORROW. I enjoy work. I wish there was a way for me to do it part time as opposed to full time, but either way, I'm going back. The good news? I totally and completely trust our day care provider, Irma. Really. This woman is great. I can tell she already cares for Jenna the way that I want her to. She's coined her little thighs "cinnamon rolls". It's just cute. I know she'll do a great job and be able to provide a loving and appropriately stimulating environment for Jenna. That makes me happy. I'll also get to go and feed her at lunch. This, too makes me happy.

I'm also excited to go back and throw myself at work, focus solely on something other than Jenna for awhile. I think it will make me appreciate her more than right now. It will make me count the minutes together, even if she's screaming.

So, wish me luck! I really hope things go well!
3 months, 9 days.

2 Ups and Many Downs

Be forewarned: this is going to get whiney. (I wish it were "wine-y" but that's another story entirely)

Let's start with the ups:
1) My baby shower is this weekend! I'm so excited to get my close friends together one more time before baby o makes her appearance! Also, I'm having maternity shots taken this weekend and we get to see our little monster in action via a 3D ultrasound. I'm really excited for this weekend.

2) (this one's small but meaningful!) I love Peet's Coffee. If you don't have them in your area, I'm sorry. I used to love Starbucks, until I realized how bland their coffee was, and how they just add sugar to everything to make it taste better. I still go to Starbucks in a pinch (aka, while visiting my parents in AZ, as they don't have peets there) but I almost always set my compass to Peets whenever possible. Anyway, I walked into Peets this morning for my fake coffee (aka decaf caramel latte) and whaddya-know?!?! They started carrying my ABSOLUTE favorite chocolate. As I noted in a previous post (too lazy to go back and look for it) I love going to the SF Ferry Building and farmer's market for many, many reasons, but my never fail stop is at Recchiuti Chocolates. I *love* their fleur de sel caramels and now that Peets is carrying their chocolate bars, I won't have to jump on BART to get my absolute favorite chocolate. My morning improved.

This leads me to the whining part of the post:
My work just moved offices. Every thing's been chaotic, as expected, and I didn't schedule any time off for it (I worked all weekend) knowing if something goes wrong, I'm in charge of fixing it (well, most things... or all things "business" related). So, Monday morning at 7am after working through the weekend and the previous week I received a phone call: a vendor was here, needed access to a room only I had a key to. Fine. I came in. Then Tuesday, I came into work to find out our phones stopped working (and, the alarm was going off at the other location and, and, and...) So today, Wednesday, I figured all the kinks were worked out. Of course, at 7am, AGAIN, I got a call. Our keys don't work on the door leading to our facility, so I had to come in. After working 10 days in a row, with something going wrong every day... I lost it.

My feet are now swollen as was kindly brought up to me by my NP at kaiser. I haven't taken the time to really rest. AND, when I have, I've had 2 sleepless nights. So, with the swollen feet, I can't fit in my shoes (I'm really trying to deny this) and I don't have time to go shopping for new shoes. Also, I need to upgrade my bra, but I'm sick of spending money on clothing that doesn't last more than a few weeks. Oh, and they don't make my bra size in cheap bras... which sucks. A lot. My hips hurt, my tailbone hurts, I'm exhausted and I really am looking forward to the pregnancy being over. I'm trying to enjoy our last few weeks as a couple before becoming a family, but I'm so 'married to work' right now, it's not really making it possible because I'm not getting any errands run and I don't see as much of Nick as I'd like to.

OK, that's enough whining. It feels better to get it out.

32w, 2d

ok, time for a new post

So, I'm sitting here, at 8DPO, and I have a bunch of tests at home. 7 to be exact. And, here's the kicker... they have to be used by 11/07. That's when they expire. Fun for me. I get to pee in a cup and use a little dropper to dispense 3 drops into the the little circle thing and wait my 3-5 minutes.

Am I pregnant? I don't know. My boobs hurt. That's new. I had cramping, but that's gone. It's still too early to tell. This is pure torture. Sitting. Waiting.

I think it'd be better if work would distract me. But it's not. It's been super slow. My 'supervisor' is also supposed to be my 'partner' and he's trying to take on more of a 'supervisor' role. That means he's taking a large majority of my duties, and trying to get me to back off on the rest of my duties. And, at this point, I'm supposed to play along. Bullshit. So, I'm sitting here, blogging at work. Blogging and 'nesting'. That's that baby website I spoke of before. Oh, and of course! I'm waiting.

My period is due sometime between Saturday and Monday. I'll be testing every day up until then. Ah, back to the tests. I've got 7. I had 25 back in June, when we had our 'oops'. I used 13 since then, apparently. If I count right, that's 4 cycles... 1 test was blown because I opened the package, looked down, and AF (my period) had begun. That bitch. Anyway... They all expire next month. Does that mean I get to use them in November or not? Hmmmm, hopefully I won't have to find out!